January 12, 2013

• Heartache...again

  It's quite in my home. I can hear little Jules sucking her binky as she sleeps on my pillow. I held her, no really more like squeezed her little body as she fell asleep. My tears soaking her hair. I prayed and sang to her. Today, another phone call. One that grabbed my heart so hard I could hardly speak into the phone without sobbing. Another death. This time a child. A few weeks younger than Julia. They had played together. We know his family. We've watched him grow over these past two years. 

  What if today it had been Julia. Her time on earth here done. 

  Could I sing praises to the Lord of this universe?

  Could I truly find strength in His never ending love?

  Could I put one foot in front of the other as I gathered my other children into my arms and tried to explain to them about God's grace and His perfect plan?

  For the past few months, there has been this song that we have loved to sing as a family. "10,000 Reasons, Bless the Lord Oh, My Soul" by Matt Redman. We have sang it over and over. Belted it out at the top of our lungs. Sang it in worship and for Grandmas church on Christmas. The piano keys ring out it's notes over and over. Everyone of us knows every word. Jules asks for it to be played every time we get in the car. "Momma, play "Bless the Lord!"

  I sang it to her tonight as we lay on my pillow. 

  The first verse has these words:

  The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
  It's time to sing Your song again
  Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
  Let me be singing when the evening comes

   

  I've thought about these words every day. Last year was filled with so much heartache and grief for our family. Not because we have had loss or direct impact in our family in this home, but because of the people we love that are in our extended family that have. Because friends that we love have. And I wonder "Will I be singing at the end of this day, if today it is one of my children or my husband or me?"  And then I keep singing, the chorus next, 

  Bless the Lord, O my soul
  O my soul
  Worship His holy name
  Sing like never before
  O my soul
  I'll worship Your holy name

   

  I'm not sure why, but somehow this song speaks volumes to my heart. It sums up all that my heart tries to put into words, praising God. Imagining who He is and who He has made me to be. Ten thousand reasons...wow! 

  You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger
  Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
  For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
  Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find

   

  And then there is the last verse. It brings tears to my eyes just 'bout every time. The day I die. Is it today God? Tomorrow? Will I live 75 more years? And after ten thousand years, my soul will only have begun singing His praises! And I will sing His praise unending...for eternity!

  And on that day when my strength is failing
  The end draws near and my time has come
  Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
  Ten thousand years and then forevermore

  So once again, as my head and heart want to scream and cry out "Why?, Why God? It's not fair! Little Jonathan was so precious and so loved and so special! Why did you take him to be with you? Why not the bad guys? Why do we have to hurt and be so confused?" I hear the still small voice whispering, "Keep singing, For I am good, ten thousand reasons for your heart to find!".  

   

  ~Cheryl

  • 6:10 pm
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